Today, I did not want to die.

I’ve been putting this off.

It doesn’t matter to YOU, I know. But it kind of matters to ME. I’ve started writing again, I have a few new cool projects in the wings, and I’m in the research phases of a new novel. But I’ve been putting off BLOGGING again for whatever reasons. I don’t know what they are, I haven’t thought too much past “Well I guess I am avoiding my blog.” Anyway, I’m not avoiding it right now.

You know how you’re not supposed to say writer’s block? Maybe you don’t know that. But you’re not. Somehow, the term “writer’s block” has become synonymous with “lazy” in the writing community. All of the writers in the world (a lot of them being writers I like and don’t really regard as assholes, even) go on about how writer’s block is a self-imposed title and it doesn’t even exist. To get over it you just have to WRITE, OKAY, JUST WRITE ALREADY. They say it’s just an excuse and there’s this kind of underlaying current of “I’m better than you because I write ALL THE TIME and it’s EASY for me.”

I don’t know, maybe they’re not talking to me. I see this a lot, where somebody says something advicey or judgey on the internet and I get hurt by it and very afraid they don’t like me and I’m just the worst, and then I have to remind myself they’re not talking to people with depression or anxiety. Or they’re not talking to ME about MY depression and anxiety. I know if I told them about ME or MY depression they’d probably be “Oh! Well THAT’S okay, I wasn’t talking about YOUR case.” And that’s okay, because I don’t need every single bit of advice out there to be specifically cognizant of my specific situation.

So maybe these writers are talking to the idea of people who complain and complain about their writer’s block and how they just DON’T know WHAT to WRITE and these writers have made it by telling that feeling to go suck a lemon and just wrote anyways. But it still seems kinda mean though, I think? That is great that you’ve learned how to push yourself to write and stay on a schedule and do it even when it is hard (or maybe it isn’t hard for you, but shut up about it because NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR IT). But if people aren’t doing that, they probably have reasons other than just being lazy or dumb. If they want to write but are having problems actually writing, those problems are BLOCKING them from WRITING. This is literally what is going on. So why can’t they just say they have writer’s block?

I kind of don’t think “lazy” is a thing that exists. I think you can avoid stuff, and I think you can procrastinate, and be irresponsible. And I think you can be afraid, or tired, or sick. But there’s always a REASON you aren’t doing a thing, otherwise you would be DOING THE THING. Saying someone is lazy is writing off all the reasons they are not doing a thing, and it’s super inconsiderate and not fair. I bet we are both thinking of someone who didn’t do things and maybe even because of that ended up taking advantage of another person who did do things. If you are not thinking of someone like that right now, I bet you COULD. It’s unfair and not super cool of them to do that, but they’re not OKAY. They’re not totally mentally or physically healthy if they’re doing that, because if they were they would DO THE THINGS. It always feels better to do the things than not do the things, and anybody who has ever done anything knows that.

This is something I have been learning over and over as I deal with my depression. A lot of the time  this winter and spring I have not had enough energy to do almost anything to take care of myself. The idea of leaving the house triggered my anxiety pretty badly and when I DID leave the house I had crazy mad shortness of breath from the anxiety constricting my chest. Anyone in the world could call me lazy, but they would be assholes because I was SICK. I was so sick. Thanks to being steady on medication, I was usually able to avoid spending whole days just beating myself up for not being able to do anything, but not without effort. I got into the habit of writing TODAY, I DID NOT WANT TO DIE on notecards or at the end of a notebook page or anywhere. I have spent so many goddamn days wanting to die. I have spent so many fucking days willing to give up everything just to not feel like everything was hopeless and I would never get out of the hole. If I can spend every single day now feeling OKAY, maybe not good or energetic but OKAY, why would I even get on my case for anything? If I have spent wide swaths of my life just wishing to have a day I didn’t hate myself, who even cares that I didn’t “get much done”? TODAY, I DID NOT WANT TO DIE. I accomplished THAT.

So anyway, I had writer’s block. I don’t anymore. I’m going to call it writer’s block when I refer to it, and if it happens again I’ll call it writer’s block then, too. Not having it anymore feels fucking incredible. I’ve left the house almost every day this week, too. It’s really easy for me to note how far I still am from being “well” or “not having depression anymore” or how much less I can do compared to people who are not sick. It’s easy to go “but I can’t even do THIS.” And now that I have had more energy, my brain decides I need to make up for the months of inactivity and take on ALL OF THE THINGS, I SHOULD ALWAYS BE DOING THINGS. I can’t do that though, because I don’t have enough energy for that. That’s super okay, too. I have improved enough to do more things. I’ve improved.

Perspective helps. I’m going to be okay.

2013
05/10
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OSCARS BLARGH

For something to do and also because I just sort of felt like it, this year I decided to watch as many oscar-nominated movies as I could before the Oscars. I’ve gotten through most of the biggest ones by now (with a tightly scheduled 4 days remaining) and am full of OPINIONS, which is what blogs are for! SO. HERE ARE MY OPINIONS ABOUT OSCAR-NOMINATED MOVIES.

Silver Linings Playbook 

This was a really good movie.  Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence worked really, really well together and put so much care into their roles. As a Person With Mental Illnesses I really, really appreciated it. That said, I think it’s a really easy movie to like and it didn’t make me THINK. As a movie itself, I absolutely LOVED it and I think it’s a movie I’d recommend to almost anyone and would want to watch again years later.  But as an academy-award nominated movie I think it maybe isn’t as deserving of some of the awards as other films, I don’t think it did as innovative things as some of the others.

Life of Pi

Okay, so. So. I haven’t actually seen the ENTIRETY of this movie, because Trigger Warning, I can’t do animals in pain and struggling and dying. I didn’t look up anything about this film in advance and Spoiler Warning Spoiler Warning SPOILER okay when the storm happened I lost my SHIT. I TOTALLY didn’t see it coming or expect it at all and I sort of freaked out and couldn’t handle the animal stuff. I read a plot synopsis and strategically skipped those parts. I had to take an ativan after the initial shipwreck scene and came back to the rest of the movie the next day. THAT BEING SAID. Maybe it’s because I have so many FEELINGS ABOUT ANIMALS, but this movie AFFECTED ME. The relationship with the Tiger and the religious allegories and everything woven together so well and so nicely brought to the point at the end – And so it goes with God. I’ve heard people talking about how the whole point of the movie is to say “Lie to yourself! It’s Great!” but I think that COMPLETELY MISSES THE POINT. I’m not going to start talking about religion and faith on my blog because I don’t hate myself that much but I loved what this movie had to say about faith and I loved how it was depicted and I loved how the relationship between the boy and the tiger is depicted and framed and I felt so much for those two characters and their relationship on a small, personal level and then on a big think-about-your-faith sermony level. This movie was a big deal for me, personally, and I would be lying if I said it wasn’t one of the most important movies I’ve ever seen. Oh, also it’s fucking beautiful and worth it to see if just for how pretty it is.

Zero Dark Thirty

I did not expect to like this movie. I figured I was going to watch an AMERICA FUCK YEAH movie about killing terrorists. Instead I watched a bleak, careful movie about torture and the price of getting what you want. Jessica Chastain’s performance as Maya was, I think, my favorite I’ve seen this year. I loved her character so much and I thought she did a PHENOMENAL JOB with it. Just. The scene at the end, you guys. That scene. I don’t think this is a movie for everyone but I think it’s a really GOOD movie and I was really impressed with it. I hope it sticks around because it deserves to. (Oh also it’s a war-ish movie with a female protagonist that passes the bechdel test!!)

Argo

This is sort of the same movie as Zero Dark Thirty. It’s more hollywood and more accessible, I guess. And I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a more enjoyable watch than Zero Dark Thirty. But it’s also sort of sillier and stupid-actiony in pointless ways. I’ll stop comparing now. I thought it was kind of beautiful to watch, in a visual way, way more so than I expected. I enjoyed Ben Affleck’s performance a lot more than I thought I would. It was pretty excellently paced and edited, and I thought it was really smart. It is a good, solid film that I think most people liked. I liked it!

Django Unchained

I REALLY DISLIKED THIS MOVIE. I just. I don’t go in for aww-yeah-killing-people-is-awesome movies, and also don’t really go in for revenge fantasies. And mostly I thought a spaghetti western about slavery was in really poor taste. I had a pretty poor taste in my mouth for basically this entire movie. That being said, this had a lot of REALLY GOOD performances. Christopher Waltz was just so enjoyable to watch and impossible to dislike, which is saying something because I REALLY TRIED TO DISLIKE HIM. I just couldn’t. Leonardo DiCaprio is at what is possibly his best, and should be a lesson to us all on How To Use Your DiCaprio Properly. Samuel L. Jackson’s character was VERY WELL ACTED and totally deserved a nomination and was INCREDIBLY INTERESTING and it’s a shame such a good character is in such a crap movie.

Les Miserables

Alright, guys. I’m going to be clear- I am firmly in the I LOVE LES MISERABLES boat. I always have. My high school did it my sophomore year and I was Set Director and I fell in love with the Whole Damn Thing. I know a lot of people HATE Les Miz and their reasons for this are TOTALLY VALID and they aren’t wrong at all. That being said, I love Les Miz. Anyway. This movie was sort of just okay. I really disliked Hugh Jackman’s Valjean, despite how hard he was trying. I thought the movie did a good job of showing just how not-film-friendly Les Miserables is. I thought Anne Hathaway’s performance was one of the best performances I’ve ever seen and felt like it was an end-of-act-2 piece from a different movie in which she was the main character. I would rather have seen that movie.

Lincoln

This was really FUCK-YEAH, WE FIXED RACISM despite how much it totally didn’t fix racism. Also the first half was stupendously boring and could have been half as long. PAST THAT it was, of course, excellently done and incredibly on point and surprisingly likable and moving and I don’t think I’m even going to be upset when it wins All Of The Awards. I feel like most people have already given their opinions about this movie so I don’t have a lot left to say.  I thought it was good, way better than I expected! I don’t think it’s quite as good as the academy thinks it is, but we can agree to disagree.

Beasts of the Southern Wild

I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND why some people don’t like this movie. I totally get it. However, whimsical-gritty-kid-fantasies are sort of my THING. Everybody has their thing, you know? Some people really, really like satisfying action movies and some people melt for period pieces and some people can’t help but love cute romantic movies. Everybody has their thing. My thing is whimsy. So I loved it. I loved the world through the eyes of a little girl, I loved how it showed the best and worst of their community, I loved the beasts. I think if you liked this movie you understand why I liked it and if this movie isn’t your thing then it doesn’t matter what I say, it just isn’t your thing. And that is fine, and I understand, but it is MY thing and I LOVED IT.

Wreck-It Ralph

Oh man. Come at me, guys, but I thought this was really mediocre. I thought it was stealing from whatever it could get it’s hands on. It’s just the premise of Toy Story with the plot of a dreamworks film. I thought it was really easy and uninspired and I felt a lot like it was TRYING to tug at my feelings of nostalgia and empathy and stuff. Also the premise was WAY flimsier than Toy Story. It doesn’t even work even MIDLY when you think about it.

How to Survive a Plague

This is a documentary! Ben and I love documentaries, and we’re working on watching all the nominated ones. It was SUPERBLY edited and REALLY, REALLY educational and did a really good job teaching about activism and what works, AIDS, this period of history, FDA and drug approval, and pretty much everything involved in the whole premise. I learned SO MUCH from this and REALLY enjoyed watching it and it was just so good at educating me purely through editing and home video clips from the time.

The Hobbit

THIS WAS KIND OF A BAD MOVIE. Why are there sexy dwarves? Someone almost falls off a cliff about a thousand times in this movie. The eagles are used as a useless and completely unnecessary deus ex machina. This really didn’t need to be 3 movies. The parts I liked were me really enjoying Martin Freeman because he’s just spectacular, and getting a huge Tolkien-Boner for all of the backstory and middle-earth politics they put in. But seriously? UGH. Also I hated the framerate it made the whole movie blurry.

The Avengers

I saw this BEFORE I saw all the tie-in movies. I’ve now seen all the tie-in movies so I feel like I need to see this again, but either way I thought it was silly and poorly paced and had a lot of unnecessary shit and not nearly enough fuck-yeah. That said, the fuck-yeah there was was great and it was sort of enjoyable to see the cast together and stuff. Also ScarJo. Also this movie loved butts.

Ted

I just. I wanted this to be an okay movie but it was just stupid and bad and not funny at all. The song is okay. But seriously. Uck.

Brave

Well. This movie was completely rewritten after half the animation was done and you can sort of tell. It’s okay. It’s also BEAUTIFUL and I love the damn accents and I enjoyed the hell out of watching it despite the fact that it was actually just okay. WHATEVER MAN.

5 Broken Cameras

The second of the documentary features we saw! I. Hm. This was really, really excellent. Also really good at educating and very well edited and put together and scripted. I think the people involved utilized all of Emad’s film in literally the best way it was possible to, and the result is an extremely powerful and personal documentary that does a really, really good job showing a very personal, small piece of the Israel/Palestine THING. It made me reconsider my position on the whole thing.

WOO THAT WAS FUN. I want to get through a LOT more films than I actually will before the oscars, here is my list:

The Master

Flight

The Sessions

Skyfall

Moonrise Kingdom

Frankenweenie

The remaining 3 nominated documentaries (Invisible war, Gatekeepers, Sugar Man)

I’d also love to watch Amour but I can’t find a version with subs and probably can’t pay for going to a showing.

If anyone is interested in my ballot, here is what it looks like right now:

Best Picture: Lincoln (want Life of Pi)

Best Actor: Daniel Day Lewis, of course.

Best Actress: expect Jennifer Lawrence. Personally want Jessica Chastain. Would love love love to see Quvenzhane Wallis to get it.

Supporting Actor: I haven’t seen The Master yet and I suspect I’m going to want Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

Supporting Actress: Annie!

Animated Feature: I’ve only seen 2/5. I don’t know, but I’d say I wouldn’t be surprised by Brave or Wreck-It Ralph but I suspect Frankenweenie deserves it.

Cinematography: Movies other than Life of Pi had really good cinematography but I want Life of Pi and I’m deaf to other options.

Costume Design: I haven’t seen Anna Karenina but it’s apparently the favorite.

Directing: I know Ang Lee is the dark horse and everybody thinks Spielberg but I’m putting my hope in there for Ang Lee. I’d also love to see Benh Zeitlin get it.

Documentary Feature: I’m still missing 3/5 but the big favorite is Sugar Man.

Documentary Short: I really care about these but I’m hoping to just watch all of the shorts sunday before the oscars.

Film Editing: I WANT to see it go to Zero Dark Thirty.

Foreign Language Film: I don’t have time to see all of these even though I’d love to. Amour is clearly going to win.

Makeup and Hairstyling: I suspect The Hobbit will get this.

Music/Score: I’m a Life of Pi fangirl. It won’t win. It’ll probably go to John Williams with Skyfall as the dark horse.

Music/Song: Everybody wants this to go to Adele.

Production Design: THIS CATEGORY IS MY BABY. Of course I want Life of Pi, and out of the films I’ve seen (everything but Anna Karenina) I think it deserves it.

Short film/Animated: SUNDAY. I’LL SEE THEM SUNDAY.

Short film/Live Action: SUNDAAAY.

Sound Editing: Zero Dark Thirty

Sound Mixing: Les Miserables

Visual Effects: If Life of Pi doesn’t get this I’m going to throw a fit

Writing/Adapted: It’s probably going to Lincoln, but I want it to go to anything but Lincoln or Argo because I HAVE FEELINGS. I’ll probably say fuck everyone and put Silver Linings Playbook on my official ballot, even though my WANT/DESERVE opinion goes to Beasts of the Southern Wild. Feelings, man.

Writing/Original:  I think everybody hopes this will go to Moonrise Kingdom but I’d love a big fuck-you to the completely stupid “controversy” and see it go to Zero Dark Thirty. As long as it doesn’t go to Django I won’t be upset.

OKAY IT’S GOOD THIS BLOG POST IS A REASONABLE LENGTH BYE GUYS.

2013
02/21
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Blog posts need titles

It is a big deal that I am writing this post. I have tried repeatedly to even say these first few sentences without quitting because I’m too terrible to bother, and I feel like the whole thing is ALREADY uncomfortably in your face with its unpleasantness and mental-illness-ness. 

In the last few months I have tried a lot to write this blog post. Once I wrote almost the whole thing and then I lost it and I had a pretty terrible breakdown about how it was a sign I couldn’t be a writer. The other times I lost it, too, all because I clicked away from wordpress’s new post screen and it doesn’t, like, auto save. I feel like I shouldn’t be writing it in this window because fool me once, etc, but also I feel like it is really important that I DO, that I confront everything head-on.

I know that when I was posting regularly-ish the people who read this were mostly my family and friends and they still care about me but do not hold themselves at the edge of their seat waiting for me to blog more. I know also that my blog has mostly been a talk-about-my-life blog, and not even in a “come along with me” sort of way, more in a “I need to express things that happened to me” sort of way.

So: if you are reading this and you are the part of my head telling me I am terrible and I should just Give Up Now (and why did I even start), or you are a Real Person who is thinking mean things, you can shut up kindly and go away, because I am writing despite you, not for you.

 

Let’s go.

 

 

I think a really big reason I haven’t wanted to write this is that I don’t know how to talk about how depressed I have or have not been. I don’t know how to say my depression has gotten worse or better, or what to compare it to. Do I compare it to right before we moved? Do I compare it to the Worst It Has Been or the times I have felt Mostly Okay?  Do I just kind of average now my depression has been and go off of that? I don’t know.

I’ve been depressed.

I have been feeling a lot of bad-feelings about the idea of writing anything, and a lot of shame at anything I have written. I have been feeling a lot like maybe I can’t be a writer because clearly (clearly.) I can’t write. That makes me feel like I have lost a piece of my identity, a rather large one that took me a long time (or at least many thousands of dollars) to find. When I figured out I wanted to be a writer, it felt like I had finally learned something wonderful about myself that I had always sort-of known. This fall I felt like I could not do it, I could not bring myself to write anything, anything at all. I felt like I had to drop out of the idea of considering myself a writer, and also feel ashamed that I ever thought I could do it.

I have a lot of things to say about my depression and the things I have and have not (mostly have not) done over the past months, but I think I have exhausted my blogging energy for now. I am going to politely excuse myself.

2013
01/22
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RAGE

WORDPRESS JUST ATE A TWO THOUSAND WORD BLOG POST ABOUT MY DEPRESSION AND THE RECENT CRISIS I HAVE HAD IN MY LIFE AND IT WAS THE FIRST THING I HAVE WRITTEN IN MONTHS AND I OFFICIALLY GIVE UP ON EVERYTHING FOREVER

2012
11/27
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catching up

Remember awhile back when I gave a list of things I planned on blogging about (no)? And that never happened? I have some TIME right now, so I am going to burn through that list.

 

here is the list:

poetry

IFUCKINGMOVEDACROSSTHECOUNTRY

being broke is fuck

my job sucks

i got locked in a graveyard

did you hear i have depression?

also i have anxiety

 

Poetry

I already blogged about this. Remember the post about chapbooks? (I keep referencing old blog posts and kind of thinking I should link back to them. I don’t think I’m bloggy enough to put that much effort into this? But I AM bloggy enough for bolding text. small steps.)

I’m still writing at a fairly regular pace. I have a loose goal to write a Whole Bunch of poems by the end of the year and then spend next year editing and submitting. Except I don’t have an actual goal number? Probably I should get one of those, I bet that would help. Stay Tuned.

Also Gyp told me about some friends of hers who took up the challenge of 100 rejection letters in a year, and this seems like the kind of goal I can get behind, so 2013 is going to be the Year Of Submitting Poetry. This does not mean I will submit subpar poems just to meet my goal! Just that I am going to submit like a motherfucker.

I don’t have a name for my chapbook yet (mostly because I don’t even have a proper poem list for my chapbook yet) but I have officially decided it is going to be about How My Boyfriend Helps Me Be Less Sad: poems on depression and love. Because this is basically the only thing I am writing about, and I think it is interesting.

 

IFUCKINGMOVEDACROSSTHECOUNTRY

I still do not think this has hit me! Still! It’s been four months since minnesota and we’re moving out of tacoma at the end of the month and I still do not feel completely like I deserve to be here. But! I totally fucking did it! I used to live in Minnesota and now I live in Washington and it was HARD BUT I DID IT.

When I was in Portland I was talking to someone who lived there about how I lived in Washington and cigarettes were more expensive there and stuff, and nobody came up to interrupt me and tell them I didn’t PROPERLY live in Washington. I guess this means I actually do.

Doing things with The Sad is hard and doing BIG, LIFE CHANGING things with The Sad is even harder. And a lot of the time I don’t feel like I can do anything I need to. But I still did this, and 1700 miles is a Lot Of Miles.

 

Being Broke As Fuck

oh my god what even is there to say on this? I totally am, though. I totally fucking am.

 

my job sucks

But I put in my 2 weeks a few days ago! So who cares! HA!

 

I got locked in a graveyard

Oh this is a good story!

On the fourth of july we closed early, so I got out of work around 8 oclock. It was still light out, so when I was walking home I walked through a graveyard I pass pretty regularly. Usually I care too much about getting home to be able to check it out, but it was beautiful weather and people had just started setting off fireworks and it was still light out, so I figured I’d check it out.

I walked in to the kid cemetery. Fuckin. Dead babies everywhere. Most of them in the last decade. A lot of them had SHRINES, too, and little fences set up around the stone with baby shower gifts and stuffed animals and all of that. One of them had a letter the kid’s aunt and uncle wrote and left there, about how much they missed her.

I am pretty good at cemeteries. I like them. I’m not creeped out by them, I don’t mind the dead people. They’re full of stories mostly, and good names, and sometimes really excellent epitaphs (sidenote: my favorite epitaph I’ve seen is “Until the day breaks”  from song of solomon).

I fucking. Lost. My shit. I thought I was going to be okay, but I wasn’t, and most of the stones had pictures, and some of them were born about when my sister was, and I just started SOBBING. And by then it was getting dark, so I walked across the cemetery to get out and GUESS WHAT. THEY LOCKED IT UP.

So here I am, locked in a graveyard, sobbing, in the dark, while the world explodes around me. Because 4th of July, remember? I was panicked and upset and it was NOT A GOOD TIME. I finally climbed a goddamn fence (IN THE DARK) and tumbled down the hill on the other side, to end up in front of some goddamn railroad tracks. So I light a cigarette, right, and walk along beside them because I just escaped the land of the dead, I’m not going to be taken out because I walked on some goddamn train tracks. And I’m going along and it’s really dark now, and I’m not really paying attention to my surroundings when I BITE IT. Fuckin’ edge of the tracks suddenly dip into a ditch and whoops, there I go. Skinned up my hands pretty bad and scared the shit out of me, but nothing worse than that.

Eventually the tracks lead cross a road, and I turn onto that and continue to walk home, not too far off the way I normally go. The fireworks are getting really fancy now, and going off everywhere, so all along the horizon at any given moment there are 3 or 4 exploding stars. I got home and turned on all of the lights and changed into something NOT covered in dirt  and bits of grass and eventually calmed down.

I haven’t gone into a graveyard since. I don’t think this has scarred me or anything, I’m not AFRAID of graveyards now. I just needed to give them some breathing room before I go back in.

 

Depression and Anxiety

hate myself too much to talk about this. talking about being sad has turned into my least favorite activity (despite having a blog about it)

 

ok bye guys

2012
08/19
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stupid stupid flu

Oh my god, blog? Blog? Do you remember a few months ago when I got the flu? Like a week before I was going to move?

 

IT. HAPPENED. AGAIN.

I think it is probably the fault of portland? 

The thing with the flu is that one minute you feel okay and 20 minutes later you’re a pathetic mess wondering why life is so cruel. The night before last my nose was getting kinda drippy and irritating my throat. 12 hours later I was DYING.

I can kind of follow the progress, though. A few days before that I complained to Ben about how I felt like I was going to lose my voice. And THAT was a few days after we got back from Portland.

I don’t know what the gestation period for the flu is, though. So maybe I just got it from someone at work.

Either way, I have been hit by a bus of sick and I move in 2 weeks. I think my immune system is starting a trend.

 

~short blags~

2012
08/16
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The Promised Land

Approximately a few minutes ago I accidentally got condensed air in my mouth and it tastes really bad, so it is possible that will flavor (I’m so sorry) my blag post. I do not apologize (except for the pun). Condensed air is nasty.

Do you know where I went last week? Maybe is the answer. I went to Portland! It was enjoyable. Like paint tends to peel, Portland tends to be enjoyable, I think.

Back in MN, living with Gyp, she would talk quite a lot about Portland. She lived the first some years of her life there, and they were kind of her Golden Years. Like, you know, not that she peaked at 8 or anything. Just that in her memory, nothing bad really happened to her before her family left Portland. And from my Pacific Northwest friends, I was hearing similar stories. I was hearing about how everyone wanted to get to Portland, but nobody could get a job there. They were going to move there after college, or trying to go down after the summer, or eventually wanted to settle there. Everybody I knew who knew about portland was happy to be there or trying to get there.

I had never been to portland. I remained unbiased but hopeful.

And also, I dubbed it The Promised Land.

Then Gyp and Rin moved out there in July and Ben and I were never able to take time off or couldn’t coordinate it or were generally negligent? And THEN last week I said fuck that and we went on Thursday-Friday and dealt with work best we could.

I like Portland. It seems like it is, in fact, the Promised Land. Also, cigarettes are damn cheap.

We intended to leave Wednesday night, but Ben was tired and we had things we needed to do before Saturday and I didn’t want to have to leave early on Friday (this was a good call) to do them. So instead we slept a lot and ran a thousand errands Thursday morning. We were in full on adult mode, with all of our errand running. And we still managed to get on the road by 1. ADULTS.

So we got to Portland around 3:30 and there were lots of HUGS and Ben stepped over himself repeatedly and hilariously (for me) doing everything to be as aggressively accepting as he could of Gypsy and Rin’s VEGANISM (short of converting himself).

Then we went BERRY PICKING IN A STREAM. No, seriously. We went on a walk. We cut through a field. We ended up at a stream. We took off our shoes and socks and we took our fuzzy dog companion and we went INTO THE STREAM. Which was surrounded by blackberries. Which we picked. Ben got an A+ 10/10 would choose to pick berries with again because he is from The South (kind of. for a bit, at least) and apparently one of the big pastimes in The South is berry pickin’. Also he identified WILD PEAS, thus endearing him to Gypsy and Rin forever. If you ever need to befriend some hippies, point out some local edible plants.

Back at The Lighthouse (their houses have names. it is a good name.) it was decided the next day we would go to the BEACH, because before Friday I had never been to the pacific ocean before, despite living in a coast state for MONTHS. We went to the grocery store for SUPPLIES and made $3 off the bottles and cans that Ben and I had failed to clear out of his car. Also we bought snacks. Then we started drinking? Tacos were made, and Pie was made (from the blackberries), and rum was poured into coke, and apples to apples was played. Onions tried to kill me. Ben proved his claimed expertise at Picking the Right Apples. A chair tried to kill me. Proper drinking with friends but not drinking Too Much with friends stuff.

And then we woke up at EIGHT AM (okay I got up at like 8:40? but still.) willingly, and Oops Chores and Errands had to happen, but they did not delay us too much. Western Oregon is basically the most beautiful thing ever, it turns out. We stopped at a fresh mountain spring, and I climbed up a hill to pee. When I say hill, though, what are you picturing? Because I bet it is about 20% as harrowing as the hill I climbed up. I mean, I don’t know math and also don’t clearly remember how steep it was, but I’m going to bullshit a 70° slope or something. there was a wire fence blocking off part of the spring and I got up the hill by climbing that fence for like, again, I don’t actually know how to estimate distance, but it was pretty far. like 30 feet or something maybe? I just made that number up. GUYS JUST BELIEVE ME, IT WAS SCARY. I’m not afraid of heights and I’m pretty strong and a good climber and I was actively afraid. I really had to pee, though. And I don’t like not doing things due to fear.

Okay then we got to the ocean. I don’t know if I have much to say about it. It was perfect, basically. Just warm enough to not require a sweatshirt, water just warm enough to be able to stand, caves everywhere so many caves, clear day. We explored a bunch and Gyp did some cave singing. Also climbed a lot of rocks. At one point the tide was coming in and we almost got stuck on the beach we were exploring? The options to get back were thigh high wading through cramp-inducingly cold water, or a climb a good 15+ feet above ground over some rocks with questionable handholds. I chose the rocks, after considerable dithering. Also after that we climbed ANOTHER structure just for fun, even Ben, who is Notably Afraid Of Heights. We did not get any proper pictures. I have a few crappy ones on my phone that I took as we were leaving, I guess. I have this theory you can judge how fun an event is by how few pictures you take? Like, the fewer you take, the more fun it was. Here, I will make a Chart.

I understand people take pictures at Disney World. I even understand people take pictures of people’s reactions to Disney World. I just can’t think of an expression that encompasses THE MOST ENJOYMENT YOU COULD POSSIBLY TAKE OUT OF A SITUATION than DIDNEY WHORL. That kid (or cat) is not thinking about pictures.

Note: Important or Beautiful or Sentimental things do not count as fun. For example, people take lots of pictures at weddings, but the least amount of pictures are at the reception. This is because the reception is the fun part. You can tell the reception is Not Fun if people are trying to find good pictures to take.

Anyway, we didn’t take any fuckin’ pictures. Here’s the best one I have one my phone:

I don’t even know the dudes in this picture. They are just random dudes. I ran back down to take this right before we left. Whatever.

Then it was Back To Portland, where we went to POWELL’S which is enough of a reason for Portland to qualify as Promised Land to me in itself. Powell’s is a Very Very Very Very big new and used bookstore with almost every book in the whole world. They are, to my knowledge, lacking exactly one book. I went in with a very decent booklist and ONE THING was not there is my research. I bet they have an ordering system, though. I bet you could get All The Books through Powell’s.

Then Wandering, then Pasta, then VOODOO’s, which is just donuts. Seriously. They’re not bad donuts, but donuts are just donuts. They were VERY REASONABLY PRICED, though! I expected at least double the cost. Whatever. It was cute. We wandered back to the lighthouse, had some EXCELLENT vegan spaghetti, and passed the fuck out. Woke up, left too late, got home too late, and went to work (too late, if you’re Ben).

It was stupidly fun. Excessively fun. Ben is the only friend I have out here and I am DATING him, so it was sort of absurdly nice to spend time with actual proper other friends. I have been pretty damn lonely. And also won’t be going back to school til winter for Reasons (to be explained later probably)

Also I shaved my fucking head.

also we’re moving to spokane in a few weeks so my blog will become a moving blog again, okay. i know you’re excited.

2012
08/14
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i am a mother fucking writer

Hey ya’ll. We’re just going to jump right in, okay? None of that intro shit today.

 

When I moved (and I think I have talked about this before?) (no, i dont mean the move, you dolt. of course i’ve talked about the move. i mean the subject i am CURRENTLY GETTING INTO) I spent a lot of time making sure I wasn’t running away. Like, I spent a YEAR acclimating myself to the idea of moving without running. I am as aware as a person can be that you cannot run away from your problems. I KNEW when I left that I wouldn’t be cured of my depression out here.

And I’m not. I’m not cured of anything, and life is as hard as ever. Finding the light at the end of the tunnel is just as impossible. I still have absolutely no idea how to get better.

It’s just. I want to be able to say “I’m still really sad.”and have the STILL not mean “since the move” but just “since forever.” Incidentally, I’ve had depression since I was FIFTEEN, you guys. I don’t even know what not being depressed feels like. God fucking knows the bell jar is not location-centric.

 

I’ve been specifically working on ~poetry~ a lot since I’ve been here, because novels are hard and short-form prose doesn’t hold my attention very well. And it’s pretty cool to see myself actually getting better, and writing things I think might be actually, like, good?

So I asked the internet (via google) how to like, get into the publishing of poetry. And google said to read the Poet’s Market book. But do you know how much that shit costs? Fucking $30. You can bet your ass I don’t have $30 to spend on a book. I mean, I’m burning my way through the Dresden Files right now and those books go for $8 a pop, this habit is more expensive than SMOKING. So I’ve been getting to work an hour early on the days I close and just spending the extra time at the Barnes and Noble by us, reading Poet’s Market and taking notes. Seriously.

Anyway there’s a piece in there about making a chapbook and how easy they are to self publish, and this seems like a feasible and reachable goal that doesn’t, like, cost a lot. So I think I’m going to officially work on putting together a chapbook!

(a chapbook is like a MINIATURE BOOK. it’s usually a small saddle-stitched book <40 pages, with 25-30ish poems)

POET’S MARKET suggests that they’re best for a collection of poems about a specific subject, and I spent roughly 2 minutes trying to think if I’ve ever even written anything that ISN’T about having depression. And the answer is yes, but not a lot.

So I guess I’m gonna make a chapbook about depression! I’m kind of excited about having a project, and I have been writing fairly regularly.

 

 

Oh, also! I’ve been living in Tacoma for THREE MONTHS now! Holy shit! I am JUST starting to feel like I actually live here. I sort of suspect it will take at least a year for me to feel like a regular non-minnesotan. I filled out a form a few days ago for something or other and accidentally put MN in the state box, and I didn’t even realize I got it wrong right away. Moving across the country is WEIRD, you guys.

 

I spent a few hours in the ER last thursday/friday because I just couldn’t breathe and they told me it was probably anxiety. And I haven’t actually gone to a doctor since I’ve been here so I guess that’s a fairly important ~WARNING SIGN~ about the whole anxiety business.

 

Ideally I’d be blagging more than I am, but the thing about depression is it makes doing FUCKING ANYTHING really hard. I’ve been pushing myself pretty hard to keep writing proper things lately, I have not had a lot of extra energy for blogging. Sry.

2012
07/26
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AUGH

BLOG. HELLO BLOG.

 

I’ve had like at least two posts I’ve wanted to write up for WEEKS but I’ve either been in the wrong mood or forgotten or at work.

 

I don’t even have time to blog about them RIGHT NOW, because it’s fucking 75 degrees outside and summer finally fucking came and I need to go enjoy the SHIT out of it. I have shit to do, man! I have a goodwill to go to! I have a list of books to pick up at either the goodwill or the library! I HAVE A LIBRARY CARD TO GET.

 

I HAVE A SUNDRESS TO WEAR.

 

But as for things I WILL be blogging about, at some point, I promise:

 

poetry

IFUCKINGMOVEDACROSSTHECOUNTRY

being broke is fuck

my job sucks

i got locked in a graveyard

did you hear i have depression?

also i have anxiety

 

 

hopefully i will remember to be a writey writer tonight and write here, if not, OOPS.

2012
07/07
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EURO 2012 WOOOOO

Hi, blog! Do you like soccer? Are you from out of the united states and refer to it by its actual name FOOTBALL? DO YOU WANT TO LISTEN TO ME TALK ABOUT IT? (by which i mean read. this is a blog)

 

If you don’t then you best get the hell out of here because today I am talking about EURO 2012.

 

I am no expert in football. I’ve been following between passively and moderately actively the EPL for the past few years. I don’t have a TV, I’m bad at remembering match dates, finding streams is a bitch, I work during a LOT of the matches, and they aren’t often at good times to go to a bar. Also, up until recently, I wasn’t OLD enough to watch the matches at a bar. So, I’m about as much of an expert on football as someone in my position can be. Like, for example, I only recently learned exactly what being offsides entails.

Regardless, I like it a lot, and completely only watch it because I LIKE IT. Which is unlike every other sport I’ve ever watched in my life. And I have no family or friends who are experts to teach me what the hell is going on (I have John Green, basically), so I feel like I am doing a decent job of learning as I go.

 

Anyway, I support Liverpool.

 

And Euro 2012 is right now, and my goal is to watch ONE GODDAMN MATCH FROM IT, fully aware that if I manage to watch one in the group rounds it’s highly likely I’ll watch more after that. And I’m off on friday and England is playing Sweden, so I’m aiming to watch that.

I keep tweeting about teams and players I do/don’t like and I’m relatively certain none of my followers care, and even though I am just as certain none of my regular blog readers (see venn diagram: circle) care, it is possible someone IN THE BLOG ETHER will see it and give a shit, and at least blog posts are easier to ignore if you don’t care. So. SO. What I am SAYING is I am going to talk about my opinions about all of the teams playing in Euro 2012 and I DONT CARE IF YOU DONT CARE.

 

Basically how I choose what teams to follow goes as such: How many Liverpool players do they have? This means England is my #1, basically, even if they DO have Wayne Rooney and I DO hate his stupid face. And then, for teams I dislike: How many Fornando Torreses do they have? What about Christiano Ronaldos?  During the 2010 World Cup Torres was still playing for Liverpool and I thought he was brilliant and a genius and he was in my top 5 favorite football players. And then he left for Chelsea and I hate him and his cool elvish tattoos.

SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO:

1. England (ENG): I know it’s super boring for my top team to be England, but ALL MY PLAYERS ARE THERE. Anyway I like England as a country, and I have a friend in Cambridge so who else was I going to have as my favorite team SERIOUSLY.

2. Netherlands (NED): HUP HOLLAND HUP. Dirk Kuyt plays for this team. Dirk Kuyt is one of my favorite footballers. Plus I like orange a lot. PLUS I have become quite a fan of Holland in penance for the 2010 world cup (see: spain, torres). I like their team a lot and I love Dirk Kuyt and they routinely make me Not Sad.

3. Denmark (DEN): I know it’s silly to like a country because your great grandpa was born there, but my great grandpa was born there and thusly I like Denmark. Plus, Danes are assholes. I like assholes. Plus, they have a Liverpool player.

4. Croatia (CRO): I like Croatia as a country because once I read this book where this girl’s dead dad was Croatian, and I liked the girl a lot, so I like Croatia. Also they have cool accents and a cool flag. They haven’t been the strongest club in the past few years, but they kicked Ireland’s ASS in the group rounds.

5. Republic of Ireland (IRL): I like that their fifa code is IRL. I like Ireland a lot! They have cool accents and beer and leprechauns, which are 3 of my favorite things. Rooney is from Ireland but I try not to hold this against Ireland. They don’t have any Liverpool players, but they don’t have any Chelsea, Man C, or Man U players either, and they DO have an american player.

6. Germany (GER): I like Germany. I like it as a country, and I like its people, and I like its music. I like its football team. However, Germany has this nasty habit of playing against teams I like more, and so I am always forced to root against it. I’m sorry, Germany.

7. Ukraine (UKR): Cohosts! I like Ukraine. I don’t know why, but I decided I do, so we’re GOING WITH IT.

8. Poland (POL): I know nothing about Poland’s national team but Ben is from Poland so I guess I like them. Plus I need to like ONE of the clubs in their group, even if Poland isn’t likely to move on.

9. Greece (GRE): My mom’s ex husband was from Greece. Somehow, though, I can’t hate it. I kind of have a soft spot for it. I just want to ruffle their hair and tell them to just keep playing football, okay, just keep playing. Everything is going to be okay. Anyway, their team is terrific at losing, so I generally don’t bother rooting for them too hard.

10. Sweden (SWE): Look, Sweden. I don’t have anything against you. But this is a Germany situation here, you always play against teams I like more than you. Don’t take it personally.

11. Czech Republic (CZE): I….don’t know SHIT about the team OR the country. Or the players. Wiki says their club kinda sucks, but good job on them getting into the finals? They beat Greece, so good on them, I guess.

12. Italy (ITA): I…I can’t think of any opinions about Italy. They have one Man. City player though, and I really like 2 other teams they’re in a group with..so I’m going to decide to dislike them enough to root against them. Plus, they’ve won before.

13. Spain: Torres. Plus I’m mad at them for 2010, because of Torres. Outside of Torres I love Spain’s national team, and I will continue to love them afte he is done playing for them. Fucking Torres.

14. Russia (RUS): I know a country is not their national team (I rooted for north korea in the 2010 world cup, for example. mostly due to rooting AGAINST portugal) but man do I have opinions about their current political situation. I don’t know, Russia. I want to like you, but you make it so hard.

15. France (FRA): Still haven’t forgiven them for that handball against Ireland in the world cup qualifiers. Plus, they’re France. I really, really enjoy watching them get their asses kicked.

16. Portugal (POR): Christiano Ronaldo.

Anyway, Holland just lost to Germany and I have to get ready for work. But there you go.

2012
06/13
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